Thank you for your application! We strongly appreciate the creativity and love you’ve shown for your original character and home-brewed universe, as well as your effort to correct the under-representation of minorities in media.

However, at this time, we will not be able to approve this application. Below, we have outlined some broad reasons why. The changes we would be asking for are substantive and possibly affect the character concept as a whole, and so upon discussion, we aren't going to ask for revisions to be completed within the usual 72 hour period. We feel that for us to approve your application, it would take more revision than is fair to ask for the usual period of time.

If you would like to take the notes below to resubmit your application this round or in a future round, we would be happy to review it.

▶ NOTES

• As specified in our FAQ answer to you here, we are looking for concise personal histories. We did say that we won't penalise for length, and certainly if we were prepared to approve your application, we would not call attention to it. As it stands, the personal history section for Jay's app is around 1000 words, not including the world information, and contains minutiae that does not need to be included -- for instance, two paragraphs focus on a single relationship for which Jay does not appear to have strong feelings for.
  
  If you choose to resubmit, please utilise bullet points or drastically edit down this section. If you wish, you can keep the full version of his personal history as written somewhere on his journal for better reference.
  
  
• While the Matrix section should certainly be thorough, it also needs to a useable, user-friendly explanation of a given world. As it stands, the world section is far too bogged down in geographical names, fictional grammar, and a scale that is too big and grand to be useable information -- for instance, the planetary system.
  
  When resubmitting, please pare this section down with consideration towards getting across pertinent information that is directly relevant to Jay, and it may assist you to place more emphasis on how it can be used as a Matrix. We consider that an optional inclusion for the section, but in the case of this world, it may help you narrow it down.
  
  
• We feel as though there are some fundamental aspects to Jay's character that need rethinking. You have introduced some concepts about gender and queerness that we think are important to explore and would welcome in our game.
  
  However, there are some inconsistencies that need address or further thought.
  
  You mention that Jay's gender dysphoria was the product of a glitch, and in the Real, no longer experiences dysphoria. We have given this some thought and discussion and have decided that we would not be comfortable in representing transgender identity as part of a computer error, as it could come across offensive or hurtful especially to players (or readers) who are part of such populations. There is criticism to be made of narratives that erase-- or even pathologize transgender experience, and we feel that this concept is borderline, though obviously inadvertently. Please be aware that we will apply this application standard to other under-represented or vulnerable populations, and this experience has helped us establish important elements for the future of the game.
  
  Additionally, Jay is described as nonbinary, but no longer experiences dysphoria upon receiving his different (male-sexed) body in the real. Without further explanation and commentary, this doesn't appear to correlate.
  
  In resubmission, we require Jay's gender identity and experiences to be rethought, and written in a way that assures us that upon approval, certain issues won't be misrepresented or portrayed carelessly.

Thank you again for your interest in Systemwide, and we hope that you will be able to take these notes and try us again. If you want to discuss with us in more detail about any aspect of these requests, please feel free to PM our mod account at unplug.